Clean Bugs, Dirty Bugs

One of my good friends says that when it comes to killing bugs, there are clean bugs and dirty bugs. You don't kill clean bugs (i.e. june bugs, ladybugs, lightning bugs, or the lovely praying mantis), but you can feel free to smash, smack or open a can on any of the dirty bugs (i.e. roaches, flies, ants, mosquitoes and the like).

As for the list of what constitutes clean versus dirty bugs, for the most part, I agree with her. But there are two places we diverge: spiders and those speckled jumping monstrosities a.k.a. camel crickets. You know, those ugly things with the fat, freckled, round little bodies and the long, bent hind legs that can propel them straight at your face when you walk into the laudry room and flip on the light. Ugh. I hate those things.

When I come across one of those jumpy little beasts, I find the heaviest shoe in my house and fling it as hard as I can towards it. I don't try to step on  it. For one, they are too thick to step on (ick) and will make a nauseating pop-noise (ick again), and two, you can't get close enough to step on them anyway. They just jump all crazy 'round the room until they find a piece of furniture or an appliance to hide under. If you want to eliminate it, you have to stand back, and you have to fling something very heavy, very fast.

That is, unless you are my friend with the well-defined code of ethics regarding clean and dirty bugs. We'll call her Brave. According to her, those freckly, fat, round little beasts are clean bugs and should not be subjected to death by combat boot. In fact, just like she is dealing with a lightning bug, Miss Brave will walk right up to a camel cricket, reach down, pick it up, carry it through the house, and set it free outside. Even if it squirms in her hand.

Now, as I mentioned, when I walk up to a camel cricket, it flails and jumps and generally gives me the heebiejeebies. Yes, I'm sure it senses the death wish I have for it and wants to escape me at all costs. But not my friend, Miss Brave. She can walk right up to one of those suckers. She is like one of those horse whisperers, but with camel crickets.

Which leaves us with spiders.

I just can't live with spiders in my house. I know they help us out by catching and eating the dirty bugs. But I can't do it. I have a hard enough time living with the ones that are outside. Like this one. 

This is an orb-weaver, called so because of the giant round webs they weave. This one is so big it would not fit on a silver dollar with its legs splayed. It's black and yellow and white and HUGE and weaves a zipper into its web. It's not venomous, but it is HUGE. And it has made its web right outside of our living room window, hanging down from the eave. Here's the view from inside.

There, I've put my car next to it so you can see how HUGE it is. I know the picture is a little cloudy, but that is part of its web. Look closely, it's there, and those are its legs coming out from behind the cloud.

There have been many HUGE orb-weaving spiders on the eaves and the decks of our new house. And so far, I have allowed all but one to live in peace. THAT ONE had to pay the price for the sake of all of the others. I needed to make an example of it so that all of the other giant spiders around our house would understand where they stand with me. THAT ONE wove its web hanging down from the eave right beside door from our bedroom to the deck. And every day, it would inch its web a little closer to being directly in front of the bedroom door. I use that door a lot because it is faster to walk across our deck to get to the kitchen from our bedroom than it is to walk through the house. Sometimes very late at night or very early in the morning, I will sleepily cross the deck to get a glass of water from the kitchen.

And I know me. When I walk around my house, I walk looking down. I have walked into more open doors, low-hanging light fixtures and open cabinets than I care to remember. So, take a moment... picture it with me, people. I'll even illustrate with a true story. Once, while on a neighborhood walk about ten years ago, I walked smack into the middle of a giant orb-weaver's web, and a big, fat, juicy, waaaay too-big-to-step-on spider ended up on my stomach. And then I experienced a very brief but intense living nightmare in which I danced the fastest, craziest little jig you ever saw. 

Oh, my, and it would have been even more awful with a spider is as big as THAT ONE, especially since it had the potential to end up on my face. So, my apologies to Miss Brave and to THAT ONE. I am doing my best to respect the giant spiders around my house... I just had to pull a little Godfather routine to make sure they respect me, too.