It's Better to be a Smart Ass...

I once knew a guy who, despite being a father, thought he could justify not ever using his seatbelt. He lamely gave me the reason for why he didn't use it and I just shook my head and said, "The bottom line is this: you don't use your seatbelt because you're a dumbass."

That being said, it's day five of quitting smoking and today I have begun to see the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I know everyone reacts differently to quitting an addiction or habit. Like most smokers, I have put down cigarettes several times in my life. During the first week of deprivation, everything in my life is tragic and everyone makes me mad. Even the cutest, most sugary videos of puppies and kittens sliding down rainbows onto toddlers will make me want to sever ties with everyone I know and move to some remote coastal fishing village in Canada. (And no, in this fantasy I can't move to a remote coastal fishing village in the Caribbean because I will just want to crack open a Corona Light and smoke a cigarette).

Now that this dark phase is nearing an end, I know I can look forward to beginning the self-righteous phase. There are lots of positive aspects to this phase. The pure sense of accomplishment, for one. The motivation to do other things that will help me become even healthier. And let us not forget the utter sense of superiority I'll feel over anyone who is still smoking - that is, once I let go of the driving, bitter jealousy I feel towards them for still allowing themselves a cigarette whenever they want one.

But, to be honest, the one aspect of quitting in which I am taking a full-on bubble bath right now is knowing that if I succeed in this endeavor, never again will I feel the shame of being caught smoking by one of my friends' young children, nor will I have to find a way to answer the inevitable questions that follow; for example, "Why do you smoke?" or "Don't you know that smoking kills you?"

There is only one adequate response you can give to the four-year old who asks you these questions and then schools you with the latest statistics from the American Lung Association (as you hide your cigarette behind your back and attempt to exhale into your stomach so he doesn't see the smoke) and that response is this:  I smoke because I am a dumbass.